Day 202

Confession: Reason 7 for getting a hysterectomy is I want to foster, and maybe adopt. I say maybe, because I want to foster older kids. The ones people don’t want because they aren’t “malleable”. I want to give them that last stretch they need, and have land they can always return to as a breathing space.

I feel as though I’m already a mother.
Aside from all my different roles with babies and youth over the past decade, the one that stands out was a childlike soul, my dog Ziggy. I’ll never love or be loved that way again, and I don’t want to. He wasn’t an animal, I’ve had animals my whole life and know the difference. Anyone who met him agreed. For 14 years we were one and I spend everyday ignoring the hole I want to fall into, to be back with him. I’ve never felt a pain like it. I buried a piece of Ronan with Ziggy, and when I filled the grave I knew that was where my children lay. Everything else will be different from that.

I don’t need to get pregnant or give birth or raise a baby to be a Mother. I’ve already lived and lost more than you know. Words can’t express it, but my actions honor it. I am everybody’s and I am nobody’s. I’m here for every child, whatever form they take.