Day 203

Confession:

The Confidence

I don’t have an excuse anymore.

I thought the hardest part of a hysterectomy was the procedure and recovery, but it’s the silence. The physical stillness. Sitting in a chair on the deck watching and listening and spiraling.

I’m so bored but the pain of failure and stagnant discomfort get me off like the burn of whiskey going down your throat. I’ve been plopped in corners I’d rather pass by.

Tomorrow is May and the air has a different smell on her breath. It’s sweet and it’s terrifying. I no longer have an excuse to make others comfortable.

That’s the hysterectomy’s gift: the ability to feel safe in my physical body so I can reach there mentally.  I’m catching up but I still don’t always trust what’s right for her. Who will I disappoint next at the expense of not disappointing myself?

A tricennium of shrinking plants a storm. The sun has moved past the roof and it caught my face. I don’t know when the neighbour started mowing their lawn, but I hear the hum now. 

Sound of the day: Was looking for something else but came across a guy actually mowing his lawn so https://youtu.be/4ggixNoMims?si=rhFBWWHmwaR2rCEG