Day 276

Confession:  I got my first official job at 15 and by the time I was 18, I had $8000 in my bank.

I’ve never seen that amount again. Circumstance, lies and ignorance led me down a long road of poverty and I’m still catching up.

I spent majority of my day today figuring out what discomfort to lean into and changes to make again. Being on disability keeps you in a cycle. There’s only so much you can make per year and if you make more, it comes off of your disability income. So you grind more hours for the same amount of income.

There’s options to lie and be paid under the table and feel like a criminal which adds to the extra cycle of shame. Honesty and survival and independence aren’t joyous in the same room.

Sometimes I think I struggle because I’m too honest. And honest about my fears. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared that the farther I try to climb the farther I’ll have to fall. I know from experience.

So how do I do it right? How can I set myself up for success and consistency? These are questions I’ve never had the capacity to ask myself. My options are slim, and they’re not ideal, but they’re doable if I take some risks and embarrass myself.

I hope I can read this someday and feel like I did enough.

If not, I can always go back to a life of crime.

Sound of the day: Take Care – Out In The Desert https://youtu.be/o8Yof-M89cA?si=MtZsxas_EEPw4bDs