Day 284

Confession: As I sit here on the deck tonight— about to have a cigarette I shouldn’t have—I reflect on a moment in my day.

I sat outside Vancouver Film Studios on break, thinking about how I’m probably never gunna be cut out for this. My desperation wasn’t met with opposition, but rather a simple answer: Show up.

(I light my cigarette)

I watched every plane go by and thought about everything I can’t reach. I don’t blame myself—I’ve been deprived of so much for so long and feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up, so I let myself look.

(I take a long drag)

But what I won’t let myself do is look for failure. Along with the planes, I watch people drop out of their passion because they can’t persevere through the discomfort. I have to believe in grueling patience. I have to juggle loss and wins.

(I smoke, my shirt collects the smell)

I’m tired of being behind, but I can’t jump ahead. I’m scared of what I can’t do but…

(I finish the cigarette)

I can show up.

Sound of the day: Lindi Ortega – Tin Star https://youtu.be/FLiIfn9SYsQ?si=PfMufEMreI-33bIY (this song is dear to my heart, maybe sentimental)