Day 296

Confession: I’ve been thinking a lot today about whether people can really change. Whether or not we’re products of our environments long after we’ve left them.

I want to believe change is possible. I’ve changed a lot, but there’s still core parts of myself that I fight daily. Why is it so hard? I don’t fucking know. Maybe it’s because I can’t see the change from the outside, I’m stuck with the inside no one else sees.

Today I smoked another cigarette and realized I’ve been doing this—making myself sick—to see what my body will do. To recap earlier confessions, I have a long history of distrust with my body, health scares, and surgery. Now that I’m doing a bit better, I wanna test it like I test everything and everyone. I wanted to feel connected through destruction to who I used to be, and who I want to be.

Sound of the day: waterbaby – Memory Be a Blade https://youtu.be/TwSyD0rYC7A?si=2zA18jb2PdqzZXbb