Day 302

Confession: I recently wrote something for myself that included the standard of my life being lived through honesty, not reward.

I’m not talking about never being able to tell a lie. I mean integrity. Sagacity. Reliability. 
I mean to stop living their story. And fucking live mine.

Only today did I accept that this project replaces the honesty needed in person.  Nothing dramatic. Nothing theatrical. Just telling the truth—about me.

If youre reading through this project as someone I don’t know, you might not get what I mean, because I’ve been so vulnerable with you. I want to give all these pieces.

But there’s a lot of people who do know me—especially family—who don’t have the pieces, and just see a mess. I’ve hid them, out of abandonment, exhaustion and to protect how anyone is seen.  I thought everything was my fault and no one told me it wasnt. I’m a highly empathetic and compassionate person, which isn’t a flex by the way, it’s a tightrope to navigate healthily. 

But if I sat in a room with them and said “Raise your hand if you ever took me out for coffee when I was in a bad way and asked if I was okay, and was ready for my answer” no hands would rise.

I’ve been unknown and demeened and stumbled over my words instead of saying “where were you?” That’s what it all comes down to now. How crazy is it to try to be accepted by and manage the comfort of people who erase you, when they themselves cant even appear. 

I know how to care —through action, not thought—without being asked or rewarded. Today I can finally put into words how that action must also be made towards myself.


Sound of the day: SPEARFISHER – Murmuration https://youtu.be/KW4ugSaoP4M?si=pNgZHWlKO8H7-Kof