Day 327

Confession: As a child I always felt the need to hide weakness. Before continuing this thought, I’ll give two examples:

1. At the water park with my friend and her mom, I fell and skinned my knee. We had walked there, and lived down the road, so the mom offered to go get her car. I said no. I wanted to walk. I wasn’t gunna be seen getting into a car over a bloody knee. So I limped home.
2. I was swimming in the shallow end of a pool with a friend who couldn’t swim. Our parents were in the house. I told her I would have her back if she wanted to try. She did. She started to struggle. I got to her fast, but then I started to struggle. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to support both myself and another person in deep water. I was really scared but I didn’t let it show and got her where she needed to be, just like I said I would.

It’s intruiging to me, during my 30th year of life, how minor situations like these escalated dangerously and filled up my days.  I wasn’t the reason this pattern started, but I’ve been the one carrying it out—which was exactly what these assholes wanted.

It finally clicked recently that this is completely unnecessary. I’m not at fault for the choices others made and I don’t need to hide anything about myself. 

But wait, you might be thinking “girl what, you say this after 326 confessions?”…Yes.

Because what I’ve shared in this project hasn’t been seen by many (yet?). Because when I do share what I’ve been through, people do one of four things:

1. Dismiss, feel guilt, shut down
2. Latch on, compulsive fascination
3. Feel intimidated, keep a distance
4. Be themselves

It’s a gamble, and one that can seriously affect me. 

But what happens when others comfort over my discomfort is finally swapped for my comfort despite their discomfort with knowing my discomfort?

I’m ready to find out.

Sound of the day: Hilary Duff – Beat of My Heart https://youtu.be/eVExfTxg5is?si=cF8r8IM9Kqr8Wdc8 (I owned all her early albums in the 2000s)