Day 340

Confession: Last night I spent time researching which clothing I feel realistically nice in. Today I went and bought some new pieces that I can comfortably wear and not feel like trash.

I’ve mentioned my body dysmorphia throughout this project, and I wanted to keep taking larger steps towards caring for myself (and if you’re someone in my position you know how fucked up it feels to care for yourself).

Over the course of this project I’ve put together my first skin/hair care routine, had my hysterectomy, stopped daily thc and nicotine, finally got over my fear of wireless headphones for strength training, bought a discount package for float tanks, and got on the wait list for a breast reduction.

But I feel a different weight, and it’s my closet.

Majority of my clothes don’t fit properly. Or they’re ruined in some capacity. And I find ways to make it work. But I also find ways to hide behind the mess. Dressing in anything that isn’t black makes me uncomfortable. Thinking about buying clothes makes me uncomfortable. Being anything other than weird trash makes me uncomfortable.

Why?

Because I was conditioned to feel that way. Because my internal and external worlds couldn’t meet. Because I couldn’t figure out how to be me and wear things that hold me.

Giving my closet a little reset isn’t a magic fix. And there’s guilt that comes with spending money, or contributing in any way to fast fashion. I’m going to have to keep doing the internal work, but it’s nice to have the external catch up, a little bit at a time.

(Any clothes I let go of, I’ll donate to the women’s shelter as usual)

Sound of fhe day: Ross Pond – Please https://youtu.be/i16Hr6TZrQM?si=pyZEBV6IG1a-PNZq